License to Maim

From Door Monster
Jump to: navigation, search
License to Maim
YT LicensetoMaim.jpg
License to Maim Thumbnail
YouTube Link
Date Released May 25, 2015
Length 2:03
Game N/A

License to Maim is a sketch in which Jegor and Yegor don't kill an American. The sketch is part of the KGB series.

Description: "Make sure you're properly documented, or your insurance rates could go through the roof."


Actor Character
Ian Conn Jegor Smirnov
Kyle Sullivan Yegor
Rachel Butcher CIA Agent


The sketch begins with Jegor Smirnov shooting the CIA agent, who falls to the ground. The pair go through what at first seems to be a stereotypical "answer the question or I'll kill you" dialogue, but it quickly is made apparent that Jegor is beating around the bush for some reason. The conversation is interrupted by Yegor, who asks why he hasn’t killed her yet, to which Smirnov replies that the reason is embarrassing. Yegor points out that he is a friend, and the CIA agent is about to die. Smirnov reveals that he does not have a license to kill, that he settled for a license to maim because of the long wait times at the KGB headquarters. Yegor points out that a license to maim is fairly useless because if one is in a situation that requires it, it is likely they must kill as well. Smirnov suggests that Yegor kill her instead, since he presumably has a license. Yegor admits that he does not have a license either, that his was suspended for "shooting without one-liner, kill stealing, BAC too low". Smirnov then falls into a reminiscence of his childhood, when he wanted to become a doctor, however his mother apparently thought that with his accent everyone would think he was a badly disguised henchman and not take him seriously. The CIA agent begins to chant "U.S.A., U.S.A." and Jegor laments that they will now have to take an online course.

Explained Jokes[edit]

  • "Shooting without one-liner." Stereotypical movie henchmen rarely skip dropping a one-liner before attempting to kill the hero. Apparently because it's a punishable offense.
  • "BAC too low." BAC stands for Blood Alchohol Content. Yegor being punished for a low BAC refers to the fact that stereotypical movie henchmen are usually heavy drinkers.
  • "Hey! No dying!" Jegor is ordering the CIA agent to stay alive because if she dies from her wound, it will no longer be legal maiming, but illegal killing.


  • DoodleConn appears in this video, at 0:14. He's in the right side of the pool's reflection.